Looking Back

I didn't want to do a "2011 Year in Review" post because most of the truly important things that happened to me in 2011 I didn't even blog about, but I really wanted to address my life right now as opposed to this time last year.

On December 29, 2010 I was told by my dr's office that I was pregnant. On January 3, 2011 I was told by the same dr's office that something was wrong. At the time they really didn't know what what the issue was and it wasn't until several weeks later that they figured out I had a blighted ovum. This just meant that there was a yolk sac, but no baby inside of it.

I can't really express in words what my life was like last winter. Celebrating the New Year and thinking I would hold my long-awaited baby in my arms that year and then only days later finding out that wouldn't happen was so devastating. It really seemed like the days and weeks of January drug out so slowly as I had to go to the doctor several times a weeks for bloodwork or ultrasounds and it was so heartbreaking for my first/second/third pregnancy ultrasound to be an empty sac and empty uterus. There was a horrible snow storm during this time and so the roads were messy for quite a while. It just made the trip to get bad news that much more difficult.

I remember very clearly that I had my actual miscarriage the first weekend in February. It was over Super Bowl weekend so I'm not sure if I'll ever look at the Super Bowl as a fun time ever again. I think miscarriages are different for each woman, but mine was actually almost as physically painful as it was emotionally. I don't really want to get into the details because it's not pleasant and it's difficult to talk about.

February and March of 2011 are really just a blur to me now. I can't even really remember what I did to get through the pain of losing my child except that I prayed and cried all the time. I would even burst into tears if a break-up song came on the radio. I especially got upset when I would hear the Sara Evans song "A Little Bit Stronger" and, at the time, it was on the radio almost every other song. I usually don't listen to the radio that much, but we took a road trip to Savannah and Charleston the last week of February and it seemed like that song would not stop coming on. That particular song was really emotional for me because it talked about knowing that things wouldn't work out and being tired of hoping for the best and being disappointed and that was exactly the way I felt at the time because of how long it took for the dr to diagnose my miscarriage as an actual miscarriage instead of something just being a little off and everything working out fine. But probably the worst part of having a miscarriage, for me, was having to pretend that everything was okay. I can remember I would wear sunglasses outside to walk my dog even when it wasn't sunny because I didn't want any of my neighbors to see that I was crying or that I had been crying or to just look me in the eyes at all. I hated work because it was so hard to care about anything other than what I was going through and even on the phone it was almost impossible to pretend to be fine. After a while I did stop crying as much but then I was just left with anger because I had been trying for so long to get pregnant that it just wasn't fair. I was really, really mad and jealous of others. Why did other people get pregnant when I couldn't? Why did people who weren't trying get pregnant when I was already seeing a dr who specialized in getting women pregnant and I still couldn't?

I really did feel like everyday I got a little bit stronger, and as they say, time heals all wounds. I remember I made a list of things I had to look foward to but the list was mostly things like "going to the dentist". You know you are in the depths of despair if that's what you have to look foward to.

But eventually I began to be more hopeful. No damage was done to my body and there was no reason to think I wouldn't ever be pregnant again. In fact, most statistics said that women who had a blighted ovum usually carried their next baby to term with no issues. I began seeing a new doctor that spring and it really made all the difference in the world. I began to feel special again and I just had a renewed sense of faith. I started to feel like my prayers would be answered and I just had a distinct feeling that I would get pregnant in the fall.

Flash foward to September 30, 2011 and I received the same call I had received almost nine months before. I was pregnant. But this time, the nurse was probably more shocked that I didn't squeal with joy and I didn't burst into tears, but questioned her over and over again about my hormone levels and making my next appointment. I can remember walking outside and just feeling the sun and it seemed as if I had never seen the sky and the trees before. It was so beautiful. And I remember thanking God and saying how happy I was and how scared. I was really paralyzed with fear that the same thing would happen again. I made Brad promise that we wouldn't tell anyone until we were absolutely sure that everything was okay.

This is me at almost 21 weeks pregnant. I have two healthy, wonderful babies inside my belly that I cannot wait to meet. I think about them all the time and love feeling the kicks and movements. They make me very tired and sometimes a little uncomfortable, but it is a dream come true.

So yeah, 2012 is a little different for me than the start of 2011. I have more blessings than I could ever count, but at the same time there are still some scars left from the miscarriage. As much as I hated going through my miscarriage, I know that it happened for a reason. I appreciate this pregnancy on a level that I never could have without having had a loss. I know that everyday I stay pregnant is a miracle and a blessing straight from God and that it is only because of His graciousness that I have been blessed while so many others still wait. My heart aches for women who I know are trying to get pregnant and couples who face infertility. It really is a silent, lonely disease. I wish that every loving couple who wanted a baby could become pregnant as soon as possible. Or be matched with an adoptive baby if that is their wish. But we have to trust in God's perfect timing and His plan for our lives. I actually thank God now for my miscarriage because of what I learned and how I grew from it. I appreciate my blessings even more because of the pain that I experienced and I know that was part of my plan all along. I really do feel that I am a different person now because of having to go through such a stinging loss, but I hope that I am better because of it. At least I no longer have to look foward to dental visits - I have much more important doctor visits to look foward to and for that, I am forever grateful.