NICU

As I mentioned before, Bowen and Faith were taken directly to the NICU after they were born. At the time, we weren't sure what, if anything, was wrong with them but we did know that Faith weighed 3lbs, 12 oz which was a little on the low side.

I was in recovery for quite a while because I had a bad reaction to some of the medications so I don't have much memory of the rest of that day, but I did get taken to the NICU later that night and supposedly I was the first person to hold them. I have no memory of this and I was shocked when I saw the pictures of myself holding the babies that night. Let's just say they won't be posted on here or Facebook any time soon. Or framed in my house. Or shown to anyone. Ever.

Surprisingly, Faith's weight was never a problem and Bowen was the one who needed more attention. He was on oxygen for a few days, IVs, some antibiotics as a precaution, heated bed for temperature control and an NG feeding tube. Faith didn't need the oxygen or the antibiotics but she had the IV and feeding tube as well. Neither one was ever in an incubator so we were usually able to hold them whenever we wanted, but it was still scary to see your child hooked up to so many monitors and all the alarms that were constantly going off.

One of the things I wish I would have known going into the NICU was that we needed sleepers with buttons and not zippers because all of their cords had to hang out the bottom of their clothes.

Bowen had his IV in his inner arm and they put a board on his arm to keep him from straightening it out. It looked super uncomfortable and it was almost impossible to change his clothes. As soon as they removed it he kept his arm stick straight (see above pic!)

Faith's IV was often in her head and it was quite the sight. They called it the "unicorn" and that's exactly what it looked like. Except that it was a scary needle in a teeny premie's forehead. Ouch!  

I compared the NICU to a casino because it was always the same lighting and temperature whenever you were there and you could never tell what time of day it was because there were no doors or windows. Plus, all the alarms did sound similar to slot machines. I also compared the NICU to a baby jail because the place was so secure, had strict visitation rules and you had to scrub in and wear the protective gowns at all times.

Faith rocking her "unicorn" on the side.

When I was released from the hospital it wasn't as difficult as I imagined to leave our children in the NICU.  It was obvious at first that they needed to be there, plus my recovery wasn't the smoothest and I definitely still needed a lot of care myself. But, about two days later we were ready for them to come home and it just about drove me crazy when they were kept in the NICU for another week. Bowen and Faith were pretty much always considered "Feeders and Growers" which is the last step to conquer before being released from the NICU. Basically it means that the baby is healthy, but the sucking reflex needs to be more developed and usually the baby needs to gain some weight. If you want to know how aggravating it is to leave an otherwise healthy baby in the NICU just google "stuck at Feeder and Grower stage" and you will see message board after message board of mothers complaining because their babies are not being released from the hospital. It's beyond frustrating and I don't even have words to describe what it feels like.

The best part about the NICU was that I was able to learn a lot about how to care for Bowen and Faith. Most of the nurses were so nice and each of them taught me some little trick about burping, feeding or swaddling. And when I say best part, I mean that's probably about the only thing I liked and I'm only saying it now after being out of that place for a month. I think when you have a baby in the NICU it's soul-crushing and most days I spent in tears.

I have a whole new respect now for moms and dads who have to spend months in the NICU with their children because it is not a fun place to be. Excluding all the ups and downs that your own children are going through, there is so much sadness there. There are drug babies who have been abandoned by their mothers and never have anyone to hold or comfort them, parents who sit by the bedside of their infants and cry and babies who are so small that you can't imagine how they will ever survive. In fact, if I'm ever pregnant again, I will be even more careful as I near the end of my pregnancy because I do not ever want to live through that again. 

Both Bowen and Faith had a lot of tape on their faces and it was not the cool doesn't stick to itself athletic tape that we're used to at my house. It was the doesn't come off even with alcohol pad type of tape. Plus the babies were constantly pulling at the tape and tubes and so they would have lots of scratches and rough places on their faces. It looked so painful.

The NICU also robs you of a lot of the normalcy of the end of your pregnancy. I know there is no such thing as normal, but it is shocking to your system to be pregnant one moment and not the next. When I think about how my babies were taken from me like that it does make me sad because I wasn't the first one to comfort them, talk to them or hold them (even though they say I was). I don't have pictures of myself crying tears of happiness after having birthed them, I didn't do skin to skin contact, get to change their diapers for days or get to try nursing them when they were first born. Faith's cord fell off while they were in the NICU and I wasn't even wheeled out of the front door of the hospital holding my babies. It sounds petty, but when you go through years and years of infertility these little things meant a lot to me. But I say all this because no matter what I would do it all again. From the very beginning of this journey I have wished that our story was more "normal" but I do think my family is where we are supposed to be and this is our story, no matter what. So, I'm glad that it's unique and we have lots and lots of stories to tell Bowen and Faith about their first days of life.

After two weeks we FINALLY got the okay to come home with our babies and this was after a good 72 hours of around the clock care that Brad and I attempted at the NICU. To this day, I think if we had not stepped up and managed their feedings ourselves we would have spent several more aggravating days scrubbing ourselves into the NICU.

I didn't take this pic of my backseat for the blog, I was just so happy to see carseats on the way home from the hospital that I snapped a pic of them on their first ride ever.

It turned out to be pretty funny looking back because this is what happened by the time we made the ten minute ride home. Faith was screaming her head off and like any level-headed, non-hormonal, and recovering C-section patient I climed into a ten inch space at a stop light. I think that pretty much sums up what I was willing to do to get them home at the time.